Post 82: Employee Reviews for Couples

Employee Reviews for Couples

Jakob, a  friend of mine,  agreed to collaborate with me on a few blog posts.

In Jakob's ideal world, couples will have mandatory counselling, at least once a year, with an objective and qualified psychologist, social worker, or relationship counsellor. But unlike couples who go to counsellors only when their marriage is at the point of no return, new couples will be treated to a once a year review similar to what employers and employees undertake. From my experience, human resource departments are good about enforcing annual reviews between employers and employees, but don't necessarily follow up on the results. For both the employee and employer, this provides an opportunity to review the year's objectives and also examine the "SWOT" - strength, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.

Jakob's not the only one who thinks that couples treat their cars better than each other. Iris Baron, an Israeli sexologist and radio personality (link is in Hebrew), often mentions that people have a strong awareness about having to take their cars for regular checkups, tests, and tuneups, when necessary by law. Cars that don't pass their annual tests are removed from the roads by police. She also thinks that couples, by law, should be taught proper financial planning and other skills, in order to prevent divorce.  I heard in South Africa, you need to go to counselling before you can get married.  I wonder if the divorce rate is lower there than in Canada, the U.S. or Israel.

But couples aren't forced to seek counselling or get divorced by law. It usually happens as a last straw. According to Jacob, an annual Employee Review for Couples would definitely improve the status of relationships, at least in Israel. Couples get used to their routine and will often bottle up how they feel about each other, or else let it all out in the form of criticism that may start as bantering, follow through to pestering and end up at downright insulting. Children cannot hold a relationship together if a couple is not connected spiritually through effective communication. Jakob also thinks that even if a couple does split up, at least it will do so through awareness and maturity. Divorce will then not come as a big surprise but as a step when nothing else works.

It's true that our needs change as we grow, but people generally remain the same. Can values also change? People don't change that much after marriage, but their reactions can change, especially if affected by factors including but not limited to education, employment, children, aging parents, . Sometimes the values and goals of individuals before getting together conflict right from the beginning. But how do you know that if no one has evaluated the relationship objectively before you started?

So what would the annual review entail? Jakob's vision is that the counsellor would ask the couple to come prepared to the review with the answers to questions such as:

• What worked this past year?
• What didn't work?
• Did you meet your objectives personally and as a couple?
• How do you view money? Where do you want to spend money this year? Vacation? Studies? Having a child? Renovating an apartment? Is there anyway you can cut back? Has your attitude changed in the past year?
  
• Are you prepared to work extra hours so that your spouse can spend more time with your children and cut back on her/his hours?
• Do you want to study?
• Is your sex life satisfactory? Both in terms of frequency, quality, variation?
• Travel? Hobbies?
• How much time do you want alone, with family, with friends and together?

Relationship counselling isn't new, but too many people think that you only go to counselling when something is wrong. Why not look at the Employee Review for Couples as an opportunity to celebrate the strengths, achievements, or simply good times spent together as well as a chance to make things even better in the future and prepare to deal with the open issues.

This writer knows that a relationship is more than a business. But why not think out of the box while the box itself is still sturdy?

Post 81: The Writer and the Web (not the worldwide kind)

Post 81:  The Writer and the Web (not the worldwide kind)

Yeah, more poetry...strange...must be someone influencing me.....here it goes..

The day he flew
My life changed forever
And I found her
Though she did not fall deeply

Released from the web
to which I had clung
Already woven, enthralled, trapped?
For 3 years...
How many spider years is one human year?

Now 3 years later, I've unraveled its throes
The spider moved on
The writer has too - forward into her fourth four-blanket winter woes 

Post 76: The Guy with the White Hair

Post 76: The Guy with the White Hair


Another winter was approaching and it was 2 years since my boyfriend and I had split up. There was absolutely no way I was going to enter my third winter without a boyfriend. Therefore, in order to brace myself for the stormy and rainy weather, I had the end of October as my goal in meeting Mr. Right...or at least Mr. Warm.

But my father passed away in September, putting a bit of a damper on my plans. Maybe he's in another world somewhere setting my sister and I up, but somehow I think he has more important things to do with his soul, wherever it might be. So October 31 came around and I did meet a divorced man who has a grown child. My friend set him up with me. Problem was he used to go out with her, and I just didn't think it was appropriate. Secondly, he wasn't interested in me, or anyone for that matter, as he just lost his entire business and was depressed.

November came along and I met someone whom I thought was my soul mate. Attractive, intelligent, communicative and sensitive...but yes, you guessed it, another bachelor who wanted to get married and have a family...and not with me.

A girlfriend visiting from the U.S. had a vision that I would meet an older man with white hair, and that I wouldn't be attracted to him at first. We would meet at an event that evolves around common interests, something intellectual.

So last night, I was invited to a house concert in the living room of a friend. It was a very intimate environment as some people had cancelled becuase of the storm. Indeed most of the men who arrived showed up in couples - no not gay couples, but with another woman. After the intermission, a voice of a man entered the living room and apologized for being late, and took a seat beside the host. I turned around to hear where the voice was coming from. The man was older than me, rather short, but indeed had white hair. I took a closer look and saw that he wasn't a man at all but a puppet that the host had brought in to entertain us.

It's now December. Looks like this writer will have to stick with her imaginary boyfriends for now.

Post 72: What do you do when you're stood up twice in one night?

The good thing about having platonic friends is that you don't have to follow dating rules. A woman doesn't have to sit at home waiting for the man to call her. It's customary for her to wait when she is dating someone new, but when it comes to male platonic friends, the customs change and it's okay for the woman to take the initiative in organizing an outing, from time to time.

A few months ago, Jakob and I saw a female singer at a folk festival and were very impressed. We were determined to go see her again when she appeared in Tel Aviv. Since I am her Facebook friend, it was easy for me to find out about her upcoming performances. It was actually Jakob who asked me when we would hear her sing again. I told him about the concert she would be giving and he was very enthusiastic. He told a few friends of his, and we were all set to meet at the Tel Aviv pub where she was performing. However, only an hour before we were supposed to meet, Jakob told me that no one else was joining us, and I was looking forward to some quality time with Jakob.

Then less than an hour before the performance was meant to start, Jakob told me that he had a free ticket to a play he had wanted to see for ages, and was sorry to cancel. I was really looking forward to seeing this singer perform, especially as it was in a pub that had no smoking allowed inside. With less than an hour's notice, it was hard for me to find someone who would go with me to the performance instead of Jakob, and I was not thrilled about going by myself.

By good fortune, after the 3rd or 4th phone call, I got a hold of Teddy, a massage therapist, who has just finished work and was conveniently parked near my office building. So he agreed to go to the concert and picked me up and drove me to the venue.

After parking the car in a free parking spot (not to be taken for granted in central Tel Aviv), Teddy and I paid for our tickets separately and sat down to wait for the performance to start. A few minutes later, Teddy got an angry text message from a client who was on her way to Teddy's apartment for a two hour massage. Teddy had forgotten to record this appointment in his calendar and told her that he was late and was on his way. Then he left me in the theater alone. That was already the second time I was stood up in one evening. Luckily, there was another guy alone (but too young for me) and I started to talk to him. Then Teddy returned, much to my surprise. The woman didn't want to wait for him, so he lost 2 hours worth of work and the admission price to the show.

So I wasn't alone after all, so I thought.


The singer started to sing after the lights were dimmed, but that wasn't the only darkness. Teddy fell asleep during the whole show.

I can handle being stood up once or twice....but not in the same evening! And when you have a "date" that isn't really "with you" and even falls asleep, I wonder....would it have been better simply to have come alone?

By the way, Jakob apologized later on that evening and I am not the type to hold a grudge.

But this writer would prefer going on a real date where she isn't just "one of the guys".

Post 68: Closing the blinds

Post 68: Closing the Blinds


This post is based on a story told to me by one of my single friends.

Gad recently moved out of his girlfriend's house and had not been dating in years. He wasn't signed up on any of the dating sites yet, but, as he is a man, his friends immediately started to set him up once the word was out that he was "available" again.

Gad didn't know that there were best practices for blind dates. First of all, the date, Limor, cancelled a few times before they actually met. She never sent him a picture by email...but then again neither did he, but she sounded nice enough, and he knew that he had to take the plunge. After cancelling twice, she finally called him and they set a place and time to meet, half way between their homes, at a scenic restaurant overlooking a nature reserve in northern Israel.

I already warned Gad not to base his evening around this date, because if it was good, they would be tempted to go on talking all night..and jump to things perhaps too soon and not very gentlemanly....but if it was bad, the evening would still be free, and both Gad and Limor could do something "normal" that was not a blind date.

They finally met one afternoon and Gad felt nothing. He wasn't attracted physically and the conversation did not flow. But he made the mistake of picking her up in his car and driving her home afterwards. Plus she had his home number and he had hers. He did not want to see her again and made that clear...that is, he didn't say he had a good time and did not ask her when she was free. Phew, all well's that end's well....so he thought.

The next day Gad heard strange sounds coming from his telephone while driving. "A text message", he thought, and continued driving, enjoying the new music he had downloaded. A few days later the strange sounds were emitted again, but Gad's phone was turned off, so he couldn't figure it out. Was it from the radio? His new MP3 player?

When he got home, he looked under the car seats, and sure enough, there it was. Limor's phone. He would now have to call her. The problem was that she no longer had a cellphone so coordinating the return of the phone would be difficult. He drove by her home one evening but she didn't answer her home phone. I suppose he could have dropped the phone in her mailbox, but for some reason, that didn't happen.

Although Limor had already cancelled the phone service, the actual phone was expensive, so she still wanted it back. Gad had a busy month at work and was not going to be near her city again. So Limor dropped by Gad's house one evening. Gad had his sons visiting (who were not thrilled to know that he was already dating so soon after the breakup from his recent girlfriend whom they liked very much), as well as some guests. Gad was busy with a work-related call in another room, and asked his son and guests to keep Limor entertained. Her phone was in his car, so he would have to leave his house and give the phone to her.

When Gad entered the living room, he couldn't believe his eyes. Limor suddenly was made up, her hair was dyed a different color and she had lost 5 kilos. Wrong! Limor was just as unattractive as the first time and... it gets worse. Instead of waiting patiently in the doorway or seated quietly while Gad was finished with his business, she was walking around the living room of his house (did I mention this was the FIRST time in his house?) straightening out his pictures on the wall!

Gad escorted Limor to his car as quickly as possible and gave her back her phone. This blind date ended up into a few-week long relationship that he did not plan or want.

This writer wants men to know that when it comes to getting rid of blind dates, remember that you're not always off the hook.

Post 62: Before the morning sun

I haven't written for awhile...lot going on...


You sink into me
as you snore away
I want to love you
I want to stay

Silk skin welding into one
Going to leave before the morning sun.

This writer dedicates this short post to all those lovers who live in separate houses and need to get back home to their children....and in this case, before my son wakes up in the morning...

Post 61: Attracting the Repellent

Post 61: Attracting the Repellent

Since THE breakup in November 2008, I've spent quite a few weekends going on hikes organized by volunteers from various social groups on the Internet, a sort of Israeli-Facebook mixed with Jdate. Because the hikes are free, you never know if 30 or 300 people will show up, children, singles, or both.


Now that it's getting so hot and humid in Israel, the hikes are also being held in the evening. So I headed out one Saturday evening, along with one of my girlfriends, to one of the said evening hikes. This time, much to my surprise, there were only about 30 people. I spotted a few couples in their 50s and 60s, a mother and daughter, a few girlfriends in their 50s or so, a single woman in her 20s or 30s, a few single guys in their 20s and 30s, the "leader" of the group in his 50s and his wife, and an unidentified threesome in their 30s or 40s - two men and a woman.

My friend and I concentrated on the beautiful walk, timed perfectly to view the sunset from the cliffs overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, between Tel Aviv and Haifa. I could tell it was summer because of the beads of sweat starting to drip down my back from the humidity. Confession: I was also out of shape, as I hadn't hiked for a few weeks. I spoke mainly to my girlfriend whom I hadn't seen for some time, (perhaps 24 hours!) I find it both funny and sad when I end up in such romantic spots with a woman rather than a man. I am still straight and not about to change sides in my 40s. But I can still enjoy the feeling of beauty and romance without a man. Yeah, right! Who am I kidding? Although I was pleased that the crowd was relatively small and intimate, I remembered all too well the "good" things of my three-year relationship, and one was almost the weekly hikes in the Galilee, sometimes (though obviously less towards the bitter end) hand-in-hand. My girlfriend is a cynic, a little bit like "Miranda" in Sex and the City. "If I haven't had a good relationship up to now, or when I was in my 20s, why should I attract a good relationship now?"

Although Facebook claims that I am more like Carrie Bradshaw, my attitude towards romance is closer to Charlotte York, and I know that I will meet someone again...he's out there, somewhere.

As the sun set, I didn't feel very romantic anymore. The beads of sweat on my back were replaced by the bites of mosquitoes quickly and visciously biting at my exposed skin, and even through my clothes, with insect aggressivity that I hadn't witnessed since immigrating from Canada to Israel, more than 20 years ago.

Enough of the Canadian politeness. There is no politeness when it comes to mosquitoes, regardless of their nationality. Here too I am definitely straight and prefer the male variety anytime. It's the females that bite!!! As dusk turned into dark, the mosquitoes declared war against me.

"Does anyone have mosquito repellant?" I yelled with my Anglo Saxon accent in Hebrew.

"Yes, there's a young man over there named Erez who has some".

I approached Erez who turned out to be one of the unidentified threesome. Wow, I thought, a single guy. The attractive blonde lady who was hanging out with him was actually a friend of his who came to the hike with her husband. The mosquito repellent (whose strong smell would normally repel men and women, as well as mosquitoes) gave me the excuse to talk to someone I would not have had the nerve to speak to. As liberal as Israelis claim to be, it's still not considered that acceptable for a woman to start up with a man. There are exceptions and some of you will disagree with me, but I've seen some live interactions, and the men still seem to like being the hunters and iniators. In this case, I may have started out by hunting men, but ended up hunting only a relief to my insect attacks. If men could chase after me like mosquitoes did, I wouldn't have any time to write this blog.

I seemed to have struck the jackpot. Not only did Erez have mosquito repellant but he was also divorced, close to my age (at first glance), seemingly non-smoking (although I've been disappointed on that front before) and has a few children as well. He was also employed, not bad looking and friendly. We spoke a bit about our children and some topics to do with his profession (not revealing so as not to identify him). I did wonder why the blonde woman was watching him like a hawk, considering that she was there with her husband. As a matter of fact, I wondered at first if they were brother and sister.

I introduced him to my girlfriend as well, as if to say "I found a divorced guy with kids! Finally". At the end of the evening, the threesome said good-bye, but Erez didn't ask me for my phone number. The usual scenario went through my head "too overweight; he prefers dark-skinned women; too talkative; lives too far away; prefers sabras (sabra usually refers to an Israeli citizen born in Israel) or whatever".

I checked with the Israeli blonde on the said internet site, and got the true reason - he already has a girlfriend - she just couldn't make it to the hike that evening - and she is friends of the blonde! "Didn't he say anything about her?", she asked me.

I thought to myself - perhaps he did, but I heard only what I wanted to hear...or maybe he didn't as I didn't ask. I did ask if he was a "bachelor". In any case, I met some nice people and enjoyed the hike. I didn't expect to meet someone who was dating material in the first place, although I always leave the option open.


This writer didn't find her knight in shining armor....but she was rescued, in the night, with armor against mosquitoes!

Post 60: Women in Black and the Witch Hunt

The following post has been submitted for Scribbit's May write-away-contest with the subject of spring. By coincidence, I just posted the following which is a story that took place in the spring...we're still officially in spring anyway....

Post 60: Women in Black and the Witch Hunt

This post is not about the women's organization that protests war in Israel or any other part of the world. It's about women wearing black and not standing out in the crowd. Iris Baron, a sexologist and marriage counsellor (link is to her Hebrew site) often mentions the issue of women wearing black at events, meetings, parties. etc. Many women wear black because they think it is slimming. What happens in effect is that in a room full of women, they are almost always wearing black, and therefore do not stand out in a crowd. Iris doesn't say that you have to wear 10 different colors (like I do, but that's another story) but she says if you have to wear black, break it with something else - a yellow scarf, a pink pendant, a tourquoise vest......something!

Therefore, a few months ago, I was invited to a costume party for Purim, which is a Jewish holiday that takes place in the spring. I wasn't thrilled about going to this party which would feature a loud d.j. and music that would probably not be my style, judging by the person who organized the party. I also knew that this party would attract approximately 40 women and 20 men,, with most of the men coming in couples - not with each other, but boyfriend and girlfriend. On the positive side, this group of people consists of mainly divorced women and men with children, in their 40s and 50s - a nice, friendly, huggy bunch who will be happy to greet you as if you are their best friends, even though you haven't seen them for several months. To top it off, my friend, Nili, recently separated, likes dancing and started to realize that she has to socialize in different circles than she did when she was married. Picnicking with her daughters and nieces is great family bonding but on the weekends when her daughters are with her ex husband, she started to go out to singles events as well.

So I picked up Nili at her house. She was dressed in a witch costume, totally black. I was dressed in a Mexican costume, all colored with a poncho and sombrero, and underneath it, I had on a bright green, sexy but flattering dress. I knew there were not going to be very many men at this party, but if there were, I wanted to make sure that I was noticed. After all, it was Purim. Time to celebrate, get drunk, be happy. Nili was looking forward to seeing the group of people and was actually happy that there were not going to be potential "boyfriends" as her attitude was that it takes one month to recover from each year of a relationship. Therefore, she would be "over" her marriage and ready to date in two years. In the meantime, she figured that no man would be looking at her, and so she could relax. Wearing the black, I assumed, even though she was a witch, simply added to her attitude of wanting to disappear from men.

We arrived at the party and sure enough....loud music....and I was wrong. Instead of 40 women and 20 men, there were 50 women and 10 men. Out of the 10 men, about 5 came in couples, 2 looked about 70 years old, 2 looked like Frankenstein, but didn't need a costume and one was very good looking. The good looking one walked into the living room where the dancing was taking place, and immediately starting flirting with Nili. Nili got frightened and walked away.

I didn’t like the music, so I sat in the room between the kitchen and living room where I could sit quietly and observe the witch hunt as well. The Mystery Man, (let’s call him MMM) went into the kitchen but Nili had already gone back to the living room to dance. Nili sat at the left hand side of a two-seater couch. MMM sat next to her. Nili felt that there was someone on her right but didn’t turn to face him. Instead, she sat up and turned her body 45 degrees away from him. MMM remained patiently. And so this continued all night long, until I was fed up.

“Nili, we are NOT leaving this party until you say hello to him”

Nili: But….but…but…

Gilit: No buts. You don’t have to marry him. You don’t have to sleep with him. You don’t have to date him. You just have to say hello. He has been following you around all evening and you are acting like a total snob!

We then gathered our belongings and walked into the front yard on the way to my car. MMM was already waiting for Nili. She finally said bye to him and they started to talk. I did an about face and started to talk with the first random woman I found on the balcony.

When I saw that the coast was clear and they appeared to be finished their conversation, I collected my black witch friend and walked with her back to my car. The witch was in total shock. Like magic, I saw that something small and rectangle was her palm. It was MMM’s business card, complete with credentials, phone numbers and email.

Iris’s theory about wearing black didn’t work that well this evening. For MMM, Nili was the only woman for him. And the green dress didn’t do anything for this writer except feeling green with envy. There is a book called “Why Men Marry Bitches” – I guess Witches can apply as well.

‭‮

Post 58: Walk Me to My Car (Please)

Post 58: Walk Me to My Car (Please)

Despite the recession that has also hit Israel, there seems to be a LOT of parties going on, especially this month, for the occasion of the Jewish holiday of Purim. Perhaps with the high rate of unemployment, less people have to get up for work the next day and can stay up late.

One of the Purim events I went to was a musical performance in Tel Aviv. I sat on pillows and mattresses in a room full of people, mainly single, and mostly in their thirties and forties. The atmosphere there was very intimate and I really enjoyed the performance of the singer, floutist, and guitar player. I assume there was percussion as well, although I can't recall. The performers were dressed up in Purim costumes, as were some of the members of the audience.

After the performance, some of the people there drank a little bit too much and headed by foot to grab something to eat. They were mostly single people who didn't have to get up the next morning for work. I asked one of them to walk me back to my car. A little tipsy, my friend told the woman at his side, that he was walking me home (instead of to my car). She was a bit confused, but walked with him, another women, and two other bachelor men.

I had parked my car in a lot of a garage that was deserted in the evenings, so it was rather creepy to walk back there alone. So it was kind of funny that I didn't get much of a chance to talk to people after the performance, and just at the last minute, as I had 5 escorts to my car, I had the opportunity to meet new people. One had recognized me from playing the guitar on a hike we had been on. The other was impressed by my car, which I said was not mine, but belonged to the hitech company I worked for.

This writer slept in her own bed, alone, that night, but had five people walk back to her car alone and gave her a good night hug.

Post 57: Grown up and Homeless

Post 57: Grown up and Homeless (or "All Dressed up and Nowhere to Go")

What do you do when you live with your son and you want to meet (in private) with a man who has custody of his children? Ideally, you wait until both of your children or at your exspouse's home? But if that spouse rarely sees his/her children, it can get tricky. And what do widows and widowers do? I suppose if they have family in Israel, they can arrange to have their children stay with their parents/grandparents.

However, what do you tell your teenaged children? That you have a "sex' date? No way....that you have someone staying over in order in the guest room because he is doing some work on the apartment the next day, and wants to get an early start and miss traffic? Plumbing? Fixing the computer? Ahh, but then he should be in the guest room....and how would you explain him ending up in your own room...it's simply not an option.....ideally, when you have a "real" relationship, you can simply say "my boyfriend is staying over tonight"....but you aren't going to reach that status in one day.....you first have to date...and if you are a "Rules" girl, and don't go to bed on the first (or second, or third, or.....?) date, you still aren't going to tell your children about it....

Recently, a former "fuck buddy" of mine moved back in with his parents, temporarily, to save money. He's now dating someone, who has her own place, so he's ok, but supposing we were back together for human warmth purposes...it just would be impossible.

This writer doesn't have to face this issue anymore, but hopefully she will meet a nice guy with his own place soon, before the snow in the Golan melts.....(the Golan has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I thought I'd throw it in anyway. The point is that the nights are still cold!)

Post 56: It's Raining Women

Post 56: It's Raining Women

The best thing that actually happened at the 'singles' workshop that I went to a few months ago was meeting a new friend whom I'll call Nili. Nili works in my neighborhood and is also full of energy and open to meeting new people and ideas, even if they aren't always fun or successful. We have been spending so much time together recently, that I've been calling her one of my "wives". I'm not planning to change my sexual preference to women, but the number of single women (both divorced or never married) in their forties is really astounding.

But we gain power and self-esteem knowing that we are not alone, and that we can have fun even in the absence of men...and to be honest, sometimes more fun, (though not the physical kind)....

I think that a lot has to do with the fact that I have been abandoned or I myself have "dropped" people from my lives....yes, it hurts at times. Some I miss more - some I do not miss at all, but in their place have entered some amazing people -men and women. I know this is corny, but I am really blessed by virtual (Web-based) and real friends...I have introduced them to each other and this has created a domino effect. "Hey, Gilit', I thought you knew a lot of people, but after meeting Nili, Sherrri, Mali, etc. etc., I realize that whomever you don't know, they know!"

To be honest, this has been fun, but also exhausting. The funny thing is that when we specifically go to events targeted to meet single men, we end up meeting more women. Or at least I do. The other night, when I was at a Purim party, the d.j. played the song "It's Raining Men".

With about 50 women and 10 men at the said party, this writer sang "It's Raining Women".

Post 55: One bar mitzvah and a funeral

Post 55: One Bar Mitzvah and a Funeral

Since THE breakup in November, 2008, I've been meeting unconventional men and women in unconventional places. Life would be just too boring if and I'd have nothing to write about, if I met conventional people in conventional places.....or if I didn't meet anyone at all....but then I would probably write about the people I encounter in movies, on TV and in books. For example, I recently finished "Eat, Pray, Love", by Elizabeth Gilbert and seriously felt that I had said goodbye to a friend when the book was finished!

After the flurry of strange men that I recently met, I retreated to a bar mitzvah, where I knew I would be spending a weekend with religious men and women, most of them married, and therefore I would be safe from close encounters of the Israeli kind.

A close friend, recently separated, sent me a text message to 'behave myself". I assured her that I would be ok. I was in a hotel near the beach, sharing a room with my son, and with a full schedule - candle lighting, shabbat dinner, breakfast, Saturday morning prayers and Torah reading, lunch, etc. etc.

My son and I arrived a few hours before the Sabbath (Shabbat) was to begin. I'm not religious, but many of the guests were, which means they had to stay overnight in order to avoid traveling from their homes to the bar mitzvah on Shabbat. It was a beautfiul day, unusually warm for February, even in Israel, and with the beach literally in the backyard of the hotel, I decided to take a walk before the festivities began.

My son was happy to stay reading the paper and watching cable television (which we do not have at home) so I head out in running shoes, a tunic and pants. No makeup. No bathing suit....just me and my extra 5 kilos.

The beach was located on a semi-isolated section of the Mediterranean Sea, with beautiful cliffs on the east, and the sea on the west. I headed north for a peaceful and leisurely walk. I passed the families with children and the thin women in bikinis. I watched the surfers in their wet suits pack up their equipment and head back to their cars. One of them said hello to me and instead of ignoring him, I smiled back and we started to talk. He chatted me up and invited himself back to the hotel, but I told him that I was sharing it with my son, and that it wouldn't be appropriate. He decided to give me his number anyway. He was thirty something and thought I was the same age. I told him that it was the first time anyone had started up with me on the beach in 20 years, and thanked him for massaging my ego. He wanted to massage something more tangible than my ego, telling me that I looked good and was sexy.

And that's when I realized that perhaps not all good looking men in their thirties are attracted to their twiggy counterparts in bathingsuits. Perhaps bored by the thin human scenery, the surfer was turned on by rounder female mammals (and I don't mean dolphins).

This writer took the surfer's phone number and returned to the hotel. She didn't spend the night with the surfer, but enjoyed the weekend. And then on Saturday night her friends' mother died. She spent Friday on a beach, Saturday in a synagogue and Sunday in a cemetary. One bar mitzvah and a funeral.

Post 52: Double Dating in the Same City

Did I ever mention that I hate blind dates? Maybe one of the reasons I stayed with my (ex) boyfriend for three years was to avoid having to go on any more blind dates. I know quite a few people who actually met their boyfriend or husband through the internet, subsequently on a blind date, and are still with the same partner today.....so I know that there is a success rate.

Looking back on all the long-term boyfriend (and one-term ex husband) that I had, I met none of them through a blind date. I met my ex husband at work (a Gulf War romance). The "rebound" relationship boyfriend was actually someone I met while I was still married. We used to hike together with another friend and my ex husband, before I was even pregnant. Shortly after my divorce, I asked my mutual friend about him - let's call him Boaz and we met him. The mutual friend did me a bit of a favor by mentioning that I was divorced, but not mentioning that I had a baby. In retrospect, he was right. At the time of my divorce, thanks to stress and breastfeeding, I weighed about 54 kilos and did not have a problem attracting men. Twelve years later and 15 kilos more, it's not as easy, and certain men still seem to think that women over 40 can stay 54 kilos throughout their lifetime.

After the rebound relationship, or perhaps during it, I met my next boyfriend. This one lasted three years or so, and we did not meet through a blind date. We met through a social networking event. I was convinced that it was a work related networking event, but he knew that it was social. I found him arrogant. He found me.....hm.m.....don't remember, attractive but....? I'll have to ask him......A few months later I was at a concert with a girlfriend and he approached me with the pretense of joining the choir we both sang with. He never did join the choir.

Years later, after many blind dates, a few flings, one speed dating event and a few parties, I met my next boyfriend on a hike with a few other friends. This relationship lasted a few months, but he was a bachelor and a Cohen, and couldn't marry a divorcee by Jewish law, among other things.

A few years later, I met my previous boyfriend at a party of a mutual friend. It was actually our boys who helped get us together.

The point of relating a quick history of these relationships is to prove that I didn't meet on a blind date. As a matter of fact, I don't think any of these past boyfriends+ one husband would've "passed" the blind date test. One smoked (originally, until he met me, although he denies that I influenced him to quit); the rebound guy was a bachelor and not interested in a divorcee with a baby (he didn't find out about the baby until he was already 'attracted' to me); the next was too arrogant (his courting powers and persistence made up for that later in time); the next another bachelor and rather shy (his kind soul and the cold of the winter+pushy friends that wanted us together made up for that) and the last one lived so far away that I would never have agreed to go on a blind date with him in the first place.

They say that woman plans and G-d laughs......and here I am many years later and met a nice guy in a park a few months ago. He smoked and was younger than me, but we had a good conversation and he suggested that I meet an older friend of his, non-smoker, also divorced with a boy in my neck of the woods.

A few months later, after my breakup was official and I felt ready to hit the "singles' scene again, I gave the park guy a call, and he made the necessary connection. Problem was that it was winter, and the weekly music evenings in the park were on hold. There was no way I could meet the new guy, "Herzl" in the park, and there wasn't really an appropriate hike in the near future. It turned out that he visited his son in one of the nearby cities at the same time that my son was at our family therapist, in the same city.

By some strange timing, I managed to meet him at a cafe for an hour at the same time that my son was at his therapist's house.....this meant it was a blind date. ....I had just finished my cataract surgery, and didn't put on any eye makeup nor was able to pluck my eyebrows, but it was dark, and maybe Herzl wouldn't notice. i hate blind dates anyway, so I thought that the best thing would be to get this over with.

As I sat down, i couldn't believe my eyes. What were the chances? In walked a woman I had only recently met at one of my extracurricular activities. She didn't live in this particular city either! And I had just met her boyfriend, so who was the guy she was with?

Her brother-in-law? Her son? It was dark, so I really couldn't tell. A few weeks later, I ran into her and she told me that she had split up with her boyfriend, and that this was a blind date!

Now what were the chances? Double dating in the same city! On a week night?

Apparently, they had about three dates. I just had the one. Herzl complimented me but I just didn't feel the same. Had I met him at a workshop, hike, party or at work, maybe I would've felt differently. He didn't call me again, so I didn't have to decide.

I'm probably still not ready.

This writer survived her first blind date in three years...but she is probably going to give the dating season a break for now...at least for the next week Tomorrow she's having breakfast with a girlfriend she hasn't seen in months...but at least it's not a blind date!

Post 51: Why is this breakup different from all other breakups?

During the Passover seder, one of the questions that the youngest child asks is "Why is this Night Different from all other Nights?" Although it's a few months before Passover, and I'm not even a religious Jew, I've been pondering that question regarding being back in the "singles" scene following my recent breakup.

Can I still call it recent? It's been more than two months. When is it right to be dating again ? There are all sorts of theories about this. One theory says that you need one month for every year you've been going out. So since I went out with my (now) ex-boyfriend for 3 years, that would mean three months, which is coming up soon.

However, if I saw him only once a week during the last three years, does that give me less time, or more time? And we had a breakup during those three years of two months, so how do you account for that?

Like all rules, they are good to have as a basis but there is always an exception to the rule....and it's pretty easy to break most rules, unless you are very religious person....and even then you can sometimes there are exceptions to rules, if that religious person consults with his or her rabbi, priest, guru, spiritual leader, etc.

So if we all agree that it's ok that I've gone back to dating, what is DIFFERENT this time around? To be honest, it's a pain; an unpleasant deja vu. I'm not really into blind dates right now, but I do try to combine meeting new men with activities that I like. For example, if I know about an organized hike that a lot of people are going on, then I might invite someone that I have been in touch with on the internet to join. In that way, I am not "stuck" with him and he is not "stuck" with me. We are both free to meet other people during the hike.

The other day, a non-smoking divorced man with a very nice internet profile and nice voice, called me up and told me about a party that he was going to. He had already seen my picture on the internet, but I couldn't really see his, as he only revealed his head and nose....Anyway, I would assume that if a man calls you up and tells you about a party, he is giving you the opportunity to meet him there. If he didn't want to meet you, he wouldn't call you up specially on the night of the party and tell you about it, right?

That sounds logical, but I have been in Israel for over 20 years, and should know by now that there is NOTHING logical about Israel. Without going into a political narrative and scare you away, this lack of logic extends itself to dating and other areas....

So I wasn't going to show up to this party, being a bad dancer to begin with. I am much more comfortable in a party where people are playing music and singing, or on a hike in the nature, than watching middle aged men and women dance in an empty garage, with no opportunity to even hear the person beside you.

Things have improved in Israel whereas there is far less smoking inside the dance clubs (there is no smoking allowed officially, but I don't know what is happening in Tel Aviv; I have trouble believing this is enforced). This is great for avid non-smokers such as myself. The disadvantage is that if you actually want to hear anyone speak, you need to go outside, and that is exactly where all the smokers are.

I did go to the party that my potential new man in my life suggested. On the phone, he sounded so sweet and had a few things going for him: divorced, non-smoking, employed, has kids (read: doesn't want more as he's paying enough child support already); doesn't like dancing, loves nature, cuddling, kissing for hours.....I thought that if he made the effort to call me and tell me about the party, I should make the effort to at least show up, particularly as the party was only a 10 minute drive or so from my home.

So Mr. Potential met me at the entrance to the party, (along with his relatives and a few people that had driven with him). He admitted, once we were inside, that he wasn't much of a dancer anyway. Great, I thought....and then after a drink or so, he disappeared.

I danced a bit but then decided to look for him, as I really did want to get the opportunity to know him a bit better. But he wasn't at the bar, and it seemed a bit long for him to have been in the toilet, so I went outside.

Mr. "no, I don't smoke" was sitting and chatting with another woman (whom he didn't arrive with), both of them SMOKING CIGARETTES!!!

When I confronted him, he said "well, I'm corrupt. I do smoke at events like these". My friends asked if I was upset that he was chatting with another woman (obviously he didn't like the way I looked once he saw me in person......or preferred the smell of the cigarettes to the smell of my freshly washed hair and body). They told me (a recurring voice, after being in this country for so long. "You are still too anglo-saxon and you expect people to behave as nicely and honestly as you do....but they don't) (Ironically, I am divorced from an 'Anglo Saxon" so that doesn't mean that marrying or dating another Anglo Saxon is a key to a good relationship)....

But I wasn't upset (ok, maybe a bit!) that he spoke to another woman, as this wasn't an official "date". What upset me was that he lied about the smoking! Feeling rather foolish, I went home and crossed the man off my mental "potential new boyfriend list". The fact that he didn't reveal his whole face in the picture perhaps should have been a hint to me that he wasn't honest about other things he had told me.

And thank goodness, I didn't even have to go on a "date" with him to find this out, or uncover dishonesty after a three year relationship.

Not being religious, I still have to say that G-d did me a favor. If I hadn't made the effort to meet him that night, I might still have been fantasizing about meeting him in the future....

So what's different about the disappointments now as opposed to three years ago?

The difference is today I realize that I am the lucky one, and it is the loss of the guy who 'rejects' me or "lies to me". He is only giving the green light for the next guy that G-d or fate decides to flaunt in my path (or on my screen). And due to lots of therapy and work on my self esteem, I no longer take this as something personal. Rather, I say "next".

But the other thing that is interesting is that while I haven't yet learned to 'detach myself from the wanting", as I wrote about in my previous post, I do realize that if I keep attracting these problematic men into my life, it means that it's not my time yet. I haven't healed yet....or the next boyfriend simply hasn't broken up from his present girlfriend yet.

There are plenty of men out there who find me attractive, intelligent, sexy, and everything else that I believe I am....sometimes I simply do not feel the same about them...and other times it is reciprocal, but it doesn't work out for more technical reasons like geographical distance.

What's different this time around, is that I don't feel guilty for trying, because I know that my time will come soon, but the fact that I can still get excited, romantic, fantasize, or just get giggly as a teenager means that I still have the capacity to love, more cynically and apprehensively, yes, but it's there. The girl-woman is still here, not the figure of the girl, but the passion of the woman combined with the romanticism of the girl.

The nights are still cold. The apartments here still are not heated that well. And going to sleep reading a good book and hugging the blankets is STILL not the same as a boyfriend....no matter how much I have tried to convince you otherwise!

So the war is over (for now). The flowers are blooming (just started). The men coming my way are still rather messed up (for now)...which means that I must also be a bit messed up (for now).

That being said, this writer should be cynical and bitter, but she knows how to hike in the rain, and laugh in the middle of a war. It might not be her stop just yet on the road to emotional ride to recovery from the breakup, but she can enjoy the scenery on the ride, while it lasts.

Post 37: The Ice Cream Test

originally created as Column Thirty-seven, October, 2003



The Ice Cream Test

We had 20 minutes to kill before the movie and there was no place to grab a coffee, so my date and I entered the ice cream parlor on the floor above the movie theater. I wasn’t particularly in the mood for ice cream but there wasn’t much choice unless we wanted to stroll around the popular drug-store franchise. It was my second date with Aaron and already I knew that we had a lot in common: Both divorced with children, both working in hi-tech, both from English speaking countries with no parents in Israel and both of us liking the tv show “Sex and the City”.

The ice cream bar featured numerous flavors and then came the shock. He ordered two scoops of chocolate ice cream. I stood astonished as he chose the chocolate among the multitude of flavors ranging from lemon sherbet and strawberry cheesecake to poppyseed and pistachio. He looked at me, explaining “I know that vanilla is the most popular flavor around the world, but I like chocolate.” We sat down with our ice cream (I decided that I needed a sugar fix at this point to recover from my shock, and ordered one scoop of lemon sherbet). I leaned over the table and whispered quietly to him “I’ve heard of people like you. I just didn’t know they actually existed.” Then I realized that I might have hurt his feelings by insinuating that he was “common”, and I thought more deeply about the subject. If he had so many choices and chose chocolate, then maybe this was actually a good sign. Maybe this was a sign of knowing what he wants and sticking to it. Of faithfulness. Of devotion. A man who could be surrounded by diverse and plentiful flavours of ice cream and yet still stick to his favourite might do the same regarding women. Say he's at a business conference in Europe, surrounded by a multitude of women of varying heights, ages and figures, wearing different colored clothes, and speaking different languages, he would resist the temptation to try any of the options available. So therefore, who needs a private detective?

To the woman wanting to know if your potential boyfriend is a Don Juan or a one-woman man, this writer says: Simply take him out for ice cream.

Post 23: Transitions

orginally created as Column Twenty-Three, February, 2001


Post 23: Transitions
Since I am seeking new employment, finding a boyfriend concerns me much less and I have gone back to the old habit of sleeping with a good friend on a transitional/temporary basis. Luckily the timing has been convenient as we seem to be between boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time! (Don’t worry - safe sex is being practiced at all times).

I was in a transitional period after my last job and it seemed to attract men to me. Again, I project that I am not looking for a boyfriend, even without my t-shirt “I don’t want a boyfriend”. The problem is that I am too aware of this transitional stage and am having trouble taking this in stride.

I know that when I find a job, the attention will phase out and it’s a lot more important to me to find the right match with a job than the right match with a man. Like Samantha in the series “Sex in the City”, I feel a bit like I am “recycling” men from earlier in my life, but it feels a lot safer and comfortable than treading unexplored territory.

I have enough “blind dates” lined up in the way of job interviews, so I have no energy to go on blind dates with potential boyfriends. I would never dream of dating married men and now I find myself spending a lot of time behind closed doors with married men (and women). I sit relaxed as they are pondering not when they can go to bed with me, but how much I am going to cost their budget, and will it be worth it to them?

There is not too much difference in the basics – dress professionally, not provocatively, make sure hair, nails and shoes are clean, be aware of body language on both sides. Don’t say bad things about your ex boss and don’t say bad things about your ex spouse. Maintain a sense of humor but don’t give out too much information – not on the first date and not on the first interview. If you are laid off a job in Israel after working for at least six months, you are eligible, in most cases for unemployment insurance. If you get dumped by a boyfriend after six months, you should be eligible for “uncouple” insurance. But then that would mean, you should pay him compensation if you break up with him after six months – (“take some money and just get out of my life”).

This writer is in a professional and personal transition period.

Post 22: One Door Closes, Two Doors Open

originally created as column 22, January, 2001


In Post 11, one of my earlier posts entitled "The Career Change" I wrote: " Some people change jobs for the opportunity to earn a higher salary, work closer to home, work longer or shorter hours, change careers completely, have less or more responsibility." I changed jobs a few years ago to meet men and to get inspiration for this post.

This week I was laid off - my job in my contract is not being renewed. So I have already begun my job search, and within two days was made an offer. As I am still in the negotiating process I am still sending off my resumes to various companies and individuals. Some of these “individuals” are men that I dated. One man had actually gone back to his ex-wife and we never really went out on a formal date. Another was interested in me, but I was not interested in him, and a third recently suffered a death in his family and wasn’t quite ready to date. What all these men have in common, however, is that they all work in hi-tech. When I called them up, I could hear the reservations in their voices, until I told them that I was calling them on a professional basis. They seemed relieved that I didn’t want to date them (especially the one who moved back in with his ex-wife) and gave me, without hesitation their e-mail addresses. As I pushed the right buttons on my computer and attached my c.v., I realized that while I used to look for jobs in order to meet men, I have really been looking for men in order to get jobs. So do not despair, single women out there. Meeting or speaking to a new man might not enable you to go shopping for a wedding gown, but you might make important connections if you find yourself wanting or needing to find a new job. To take this even further, you might not need a job, but assistance in other aspects of life. I have been lucky to have dated a police officer, a manager of a certain department of a particular municipality, a lawyer, a manager at a major telecommunications company, a child psychologist and an accountant! This country is simply too small, so I am not naming names or institutions.

This writer is lucky not to have dated anyone who works in the income tax authorities office.

Post 19: Compatibility of Divorcees

originally created as Column Nineteen, November, 2000

Compatibility of Divorcees

Once upon a time, men and women decided they were compatible based on education, values, physical attraction, family background and at one time when women’s earning ability was lower than today, a man’s ability to support his wife. In the twenty-first century, additional factors play a part in the compatibility of a particular partner. Let's see how much this dating business can really cost either one of us:

Does he have e-mail? If he doesn’t, how am I going to contact him in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and don’t want to wake him up? Or if he wants to send me a power point presentation about how much he’ll miss me while he’s on a month business trip abroad.

Does he have a cellphone, and is it the same phone company that I use? Calls within the same mobile phone exchange are cheaper than to a different company. The money he will save on phone calls can go to treat me on a date (or bring me flowers some fictitious Friday night in the future).

Does he have custody of his child/ren on the same weekend that I do? If not, the possibility of ever getting together on weekends becomes increasingly difficult, until one of our ex-spouses agrees to switch the weekends. In the meantime, the babysitters can get very rich and our children very lonely and angry. The latter result is one I really recommend avoiding. I presently have three divorced male friends who are finally free the same weekends as I am, but we are not dating, so this wonderful coincidence is simply a wasted opportunity.

Even though they will have very little in common, this writer might prefer dating technologically-challenged bachelors who still remember how to use a public telephone.