My relationship with Arie revolved around festivals during the last 3 years. We got together because of Breshit (Genesis) Festival near the Sea of Galilee. I accompanied him at several Sagol festivals on the Mediterranean Sea, and he split up with me (the first time) at Shantipi Festival near Achziv (also on the Mediterranean Sea). And at the last Sagol Festival in October, he knew I was coming to spend the weekend with him yet told another woman that he wanted to take their platonic relationship to "the next level" only hours before I was coming to be with him. When we both discovered each other's existence, Arie left the country with no one to come back to and destroyed any chance of friendship with me.
Five months later, I decided to go with a girlfriend down to the desert to the Zorba festival, between Mitpeh Ramon and Eilat. Later I found out that Arie would also be working there, but I decided that Israel is too small a country and that eventually I would run into him, so I should not let him rule my life, and do what I want to do.
So I did.....I did run into him several times at the festival but just said hello and avoided him. He had gotten a lift down to the festival with friends of his whom he managed to stop speaking to before he even arrived.
On the last day, he saw my girlfriend and I ready to leave and asked where we were going - I told him that that we were going to the center of the country, first to my friend's city, and then to mine. He said, with his puppy dog eyes, "i don't have a lift anymore and I have a long way to go." I answered "yes, it's a long way back to the Galilee. Good luck and have a good trip".
And we left.
What chutzpah. Yes, it's sad that he has no friends left, but to ask his ex girlfriend for a lift back after he had lied to her and dropped her like a hot potato after so many years without an explanation? After he had told all his friends and children about his "new girlfriend" (who promptly dumped him after hearing that he was with me simultaneously) but didn't bother to tell the new 'girlfriend' or 'me" about each other?
This writer doesn't have a boyfriend, but she has many wonderful friends in her life, and most important, has her self esteem. As for Arie, this writer deserted him in the desert.
Showing posts with label ex-boyfriends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ex-boyfriends. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Post 53: Return of the Ex - Again
He's back. That is he's back in the country after three months abroad. In another country. On another continent. We were together for three years with a short breakup during the Second Lebanon War. During that breakup, in 2006, I left him alone, as I was told "If you love something/someone, set it free".
So I did, and he came back. I told him that if we were to get back together it would only be with counselling. Be careful what you wished for. He agreed. With the help of an amazing psychologist/relationship counsellor our communication got better, and our relationship, in some ways, got stronger. Arie also started to see his own psychologist. I knew that would either seal or break our relationship. Due to some serious childhood issues, Arie would be, as I envisioned, opening up a Pandora's box, as he began therapy. But I rationalized - would I abandon a friend, male or female, if he or she, G-d forbid, was going through physical therapy such as chemotherapy? No, I would not. And so I stood by Arie as he began his psychological therapy.
And the demons began to come out of the Pandora box. It was difficult, but I stood by him......until he decided to leave the country for a few months, and we agreed to separate. But we also agreed to maintain a sexually exclusive relationship until he boarded the plane.
Problem was that he had already decided to start a new relationship before he got on the plane. He told his children. He told his best friends. He conveniently forgot to tell his new 'girlfriend" about our sexual relationship and she thought that he no longer had a girlfriend. He also forgot to tell me about his new "love".
When I found out, several hours after his departure, I wrote to him to get out of my life. He did. When I told the "girlfriend" about me, she thanked me and allegedly cut off ties with him. He thought he could dance at two weddings, but ended up with none.
I was rather apprehensive when I looked on the calendar and realized that he was due to land last week. Our children were still in touch, so I knew more or less that he was safe and that he was returning to Israel. I also knew that there was a chance that he would call me when he returned to an empty apartment, with no girlfriend..
He called a few days ago.
This writer did not answer her cellphone when she recognized his phone number on her call display. Perhaps she is still hurt. Perhaps she is still lonely, but she has moved on. Again.
So I did, and he came back. I told him that if we were to get back together it would only be with counselling. Be careful what you wished for. He agreed. With the help of an amazing psychologist/relationship counsellor our communication got better, and our relationship, in some ways, got stronger. Arie also started to see his own psychologist. I knew that would either seal or break our relationship. Due to some serious childhood issues, Arie would be, as I envisioned, opening up a Pandora's box, as he began therapy. But I rationalized - would I abandon a friend, male or female, if he or she, G-d forbid, was going through physical therapy such as chemotherapy? No, I would not. And so I stood by Arie as he began his psychological therapy.
And the demons began to come out of the Pandora box. It was difficult, but I stood by him......until he decided to leave the country for a few months, and we agreed to separate. But we also agreed to maintain a sexually exclusive relationship until he boarded the plane.
Problem was that he had already decided to start a new relationship before he got on the plane. He told his children. He told his best friends. He conveniently forgot to tell his new 'girlfriend" about our sexual relationship and she thought that he no longer had a girlfriend. He also forgot to tell me about his new "love".
When I found out, several hours after his departure, I wrote to him to get out of my life. He did. When I told the "girlfriend" about me, she thanked me and allegedly cut off ties with him. He thought he could dance at two weddings, but ended up with none.
I was rather apprehensive when I looked on the calendar and realized that he was due to land last week. Our children were still in touch, so I knew more or less that he was safe and that he was returning to Israel. I also knew that there was a chance that he would call me when he returned to an empty apartment, with no girlfriend..
He called a few days ago.
This writer did not answer her cellphone when she recognized his phone number on her call display. Perhaps she is still hurt. Perhaps she is still lonely, but she has moved on. Again.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Post 40: Ecology and Loneliness
Originally created as Column Forty, January, 2005
I’m starting to think that all my single friends whether they are never married, widowed, divorced with children or divorced without don’t REALLY want to meet someone new…not deep down in their subconscious. On the one hand, we want to feel excitement, butterflies in their stomach, something different, new, explore and conquer the unknown….
I’m starting to think that all my single friends whether they are never married, widowed, divorced with children or divorced without don’t REALLY want to meet someone new…not deep down in their subconscious. On the one hand, we want to feel excitement, butterflies in their stomach, something different, new, explore and conquer the unknown….
But on the other hand we want the familiarity of people who have known them from 1-30 years, friends, people who have been with them through rough and better times, the familiarity of a hug or a smile or a certain joke, the ability to tease and yet being able to forgive…in short, everything that comes with being a friend….
And forever reason the “comfort’ of the “chevreh” (group of friends) is like the hug of a mother to a child…no replacement for it. And although sex has sometimes come into place with some of the chevreh, being that the “chevreh” consists of certain people who may or may not have slept with each other at some point within the last 1-20 years, it is not the main factor.
So you get together, some hormones rage, some don’t. “Hey Odelia, are you going back to Holon? My friend Dana lives there and it would be great if you could give her a lift back – otherwise I have to drive out of my way”, I said at a gathering of friends and friends of friends on a cold and rainy Saturday night approximately 30 kilometers away from Tel Aviv…”I haven’t decided if I’m going home” replied Odelia. (Odelia obviously did not have a young child or babysitter waiting for her to come home to Tel Aviv).
Ah, I understand later as I see her lurking next to the car of my ex boyfriend…later I find out she did go back to Tel Aviv – my ex boyfriend wanted her to stay over in the city where he lives. So he was rejected….he’s hard to resist…surprised that she rejected him…he didn’t even look me in the eye, but that was ok….I’ve moved on…maybe not….and so I dropped Dana off in Tel Aviv and went home alone but then get a call to see if I got home ok and then invited the caller over…it was a cold and rainy night. The caller wasn’t my recent ex boyfriend but there were endless possibilities of who would end up with whom that evening.
This writer asks why accept a hug from a stranger when you can recycle?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Post 35: C'mon Baby Light My Fire
originally created as Column Thirty-Five, April, 2003
I told everyone I would have a boyfriend by my 40th birthday. Well I don’t. So I am inviting 4 ex-boyfriends (at least) to my birthday. Oh, and I wanted someone to really turn me on for my birthday. Someone to make me feel really hot. And instead I got a real fire. Yup, my split-unit air conditioner/heater short circuited and went up in flames 2 weeks before my birthday. I’ve wanted to spend the night in someone else’s home for quite some time. Well, I did –had to sleep at the neighbors during the night of the fire to avoid smoke inhalation. I wanted to meet new men, so I did. Fire fighters, insurance agents, paramedics, appraisers and air conditioning salesmen.
On the program, “Sex in the City”, the fire fighters were well built and sexy. In Israel, all this writer received was a bill from the fire department.
I told everyone I would have a boyfriend by my 40th birthday. Well I don’t. So I am inviting 4 ex-boyfriends (at least) to my birthday. Oh, and I wanted someone to really turn me on for my birthday. Someone to make me feel really hot. And instead I got a real fire. Yup, my split-unit air conditioner/heater short circuited and went up in flames 2 weeks before my birthday. I’ve wanted to spend the night in someone else’s home for quite some time. Well, I did –had to sleep at the neighbors during the night of the fire to avoid smoke inhalation. I wanted to meet new men, so I did. Fire fighters, insurance agents, paramedics, appraisers and air conditioning salesmen.
On the program, “Sex in the City”, the fire fighters were well built and sexy. In Israel, all this writer received was a bill from the fire department.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Post 27: The Ex-Girlfriends' Club
originally created as Column Twenty-Seven, August, 2001
Don, it seems, likes to be around as many women as possible and invites men to his parties only to be politically correct. When he does go out with a girlfriend, he is sexually faithful to her but when he goes out to events without her, he conveniently hides the fact that he has a girlfriend. I heard about Rachel for years and she had heard about me but even though the invitation she gave to Don was intended to be for both of us, he remembered to introduce me to her, indeed around the time of her birthday, but 4 years later. I suppose it was just another one of his habits of being chronically late. I’ve heard about surface mail, but this birthday invitation seems to have been sent literally by snail mail. Surprisingly or not, Rachel and I got along extremely well and Marilyn was probably happy that we were speaking to each other and not trying to steal attention from Don. It was probably the hottest night of the year and I didn’t stay long between the heat and thinking about how much I would have to pay the babysitter.
I didn’t really expect to meet any potential dates but I was too curious to pass up the opportunity. One of Don’s ex girlfriends did not arrive – she was a girlfriend before he was married, so I suppose she didn’t really fit into the “First Ex-Girlfriend’s Club” as we belonged to the post-divorce age in Don’s life. In one of the episodes of “Sex in the City”, Carrie is invited to a party where everyone is asked to bring someone that they are not dating and it becomes an ex partner party. This party was along the same lines, only we weren’t told to bring an ex-boyfriend and that is why the numbers were so uneven. So of course, no sex that night, unless some those women were same sex couples. That is not a step that I am prepared to take, as I wouldn’t change my sexual orientation just in order to get past the fourth date.
So Don was with Marilyn, and I was left to charm Rachel. Maybe it was better that there were no men to turn me on, as it was hot enough already. Maybe I’ll invite 2 women, 10 men and all my ex boyfriends to my birthday party next year. Most of them don’t have custody of their children so at least they won’t have to get a babysitter for that evening.
This writer didn’t meet any new men at Don’s party, but she did meet a first girlfriend. And what was this writer's true measure of a successful party.....? .... she even found a vacant, free parking spot in the heart of Tel Aviv, right across the street from Don’s apartment.
The Ex-Girlfriends' Club
You’ve probably seen the movie “The First Wives' Club”. Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Middler get together in protest of their ex husbands disposing them for younger and less intelligent “replacements”. I met my ex-boyfriend’s first girlfriend at a party he held Thursday night. His ex-wife wasn’t there, but his present girlfriend, Marilyn, his ex-girlfriend (me) and his first girlfriend (Rachel) after his divorce were all in his apartment, along with about 14 other women and only 4 men.Don, it seems, likes to be around as many women as possible and invites men to his parties only to be politically correct. When he does go out with a girlfriend, he is sexually faithful to her but when he goes out to events without her, he conveniently hides the fact that he has a girlfriend. I heard about Rachel for years and she had heard about me but even though the invitation she gave to Don was intended to be for both of us, he remembered to introduce me to her, indeed around the time of her birthday, but 4 years later. I suppose it was just another one of his habits of being chronically late. I’ve heard about surface mail, but this birthday invitation seems to have been sent literally by snail mail. Surprisingly or not, Rachel and I got along extremely well and Marilyn was probably happy that we were speaking to each other and not trying to steal attention from Don. It was probably the hottest night of the year and I didn’t stay long between the heat and thinking about how much I would have to pay the babysitter.
I didn’t really expect to meet any potential dates but I was too curious to pass up the opportunity. One of Don’s ex girlfriends did not arrive – she was a girlfriend before he was married, so I suppose she didn’t really fit into the “First Ex-Girlfriend’s Club” as we belonged to the post-divorce age in Don’s life. In one of the episodes of “Sex in the City”, Carrie is invited to a party where everyone is asked to bring someone that they are not dating and it becomes an ex partner party. This party was along the same lines, only we weren’t told to bring an ex-boyfriend and that is why the numbers were so uneven. So of course, no sex that night, unless some those women were same sex couples. That is not a step that I am prepared to take, as I wouldn’t change my sexual orientation just in order to get past the fourth date.
So Don was with Marilyn, and I was left to charm Rachel. Maybe it was better that there were no men to turn me on, as it was hot enough already. Maybe I’ll invite 2 women, 10 men and all my ex boyfriends to my birthday party next year. Most of them don’t have custody of their children so at least they won’t have to get a babysitter for that evening.
This writer didn’t meet any new men at Don’s party, but she did meet a first girlfriend. And what was this writer's true measure of a successful party.....? .... she even found a vacant, free parking spot in the heart of Tel Aviv, right across the street from Don’s apartment.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Post 24: The Current State of Non-Affairs
Originally created as column twenty-four, April 2001
The Current State of Non-Affairs
note: the following was written 7 years ago when the rate of suicide bombs in central Israel was very high. This writer was also younger
The hi-tech industry is at a stand still and so is my love life. Employees are being laid off, or there is simply a hiring freeze, including my free-lance position. The months roll by and the frequency of bombs going off increases. The bombs are exploding closer and closer to my home. I’m trying to go off the sex with ex-boyfriend habit, as I am ready for something deeper, or am I? I met an amazing guy at work, Evan, but he is a bachelor, which goes against all my “rules”. We have an amazing friendship, but he doesn’t seem to want a physical relationship with me, and although we have been almost inseparable for the past two months, he doesn’t appear to want a relationship with me because:
I work with him.
I am divorced.
He is not attracted to me.
I don’t know! And I can’t discuss this with him, as I don’t want to ruin our friendship. We have even spoken about writing together. He gets along amazingly with my son and we both share a love for writing, folk music and theater.
And I’m attracted to him. But I see his faults, and I know that in his forties, if he is not married, there is a reason. Perfectionism? Criticism? Having been hurt in the past?
I can’t get him to open up in this area. I suspect that he takes a long time making decisions. I think I have made it very obvious that I like him and find him attractive...
I even took him one night to the theater so that I didn’t have to be alone and face my ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend. They are perfect for each other. Both overweight. Both without children. Both live within a few blocks of each other. They don’t have children, but they both cook so well that they have to decide about who has custody of the kitchen on the weekends. Food and sex must be a very big part of their lives – but I would choose the sex over the food, given a choice on a Friday night, whereas I am sure they would choose the food first. Oh, I would definitely get to the food, but not if I were seduced first, kissed slowly on my ears, behind my ears, on my neck....
All of a sudden potential blind-dates are calling me as well as men from the past, and my mind is thinking about my work, or lack of permanent work, and I sit exhausted typing about the current state of non-affairs. My perfect lover, who is not a friend and my perfect friend, who is not a lover...and all the ex-lovers and friends in between, suddenly back in my life or trying to enter my life. It’s not really in my hands. I am letting things happen, but I am not hiding my feelings. I am giving unconditionally, something I have not done in a very long time. I have finally gotten “over” my ex-boyfriend now that he has a new girlfriend and I can see that his basic personality and habits will never change.
I look into the eyes of my platonic friend and smile. I try not to imagine my lips touching his, my arms around him, after a friendly hug, being met by an extended hug - I’ve seen him half naked in a swimsuit and he, likewise has seen me in everything from an elegant suit to casual jeans to a bathing suit, with or without makeup...all his friends assure me that he isn’t gay, and he himself has denied being gay and has released names of past girlfriends...
Yet we are both going to bed with books and sleeping in our own beds alone. His pet adores him and reflects his good temper. My expensive house pet adores me and is pretty good natured himself.
No sex in the city tonight for this writer, whereas that may not be the case for two gourmet cooks whiling away the hours at saucepans and the bedsheets at one of two flats in Tel Aviv...
The Current State of Non-Affairs
note: the following was written 7 years ago when the rate of suicide bombs in central Israel was very high. This writer was also younger
The hi-tech industry is at a stand still and so is my love life. Employees are being laid off, or there is simply a hiring freeze, including my free-lance position. The months roll by and the frequency of bombs going off increases. The bombs are exploding closer and closer to my home. I’m trying to go off the sex with ex-boyfriend habit, as I am ready for something deeper, or am I? I met an amazing guy at work, Evan, but he is a bachelor, which goes against all my “rules”. We have an amazing friendship, but he doesn’t seem to want a physical relationship with me, and although we have been almost inseparable for the past two months, he doesn’t appear to want a relationship with me because:
I work with him.
I am divorced.
He is not attracted to me.
I don’t know! And I can’t discuss this with him, as I don’t want to ruin our friendship. We have even spoken about writing together. He gets along amazingly with my son and we both share a love for writing, folk music and theater.
And I’m attracted to him. But I see his faults, and I know that in his forties, if he is not married, there is a reason. Perfectionism? Criticism? Having been hurt in the past?
I can’t get him to open up in this area. I suspect that he takes a long time making decisions. I think I have made it very obvious that I like him and find him attractive...
I even took him one night to the theater so that I didn’t have to be alone and face my ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend. They are perfect for each other. Both overweight. Both without children. Both live within a few blocks of each other. They don’t have children, but they both cook so well that they have to decide about who has custody of the kitchen on the weekends. Food and sex must be a very big part of their lives – but I would choose the sex over the food, given a choice on a Friday night, whereas I am sure they would choose the food first. Oh, I would definitely get to the food, but not if I were seduced first, kissed slowly on my ears, behind my ears, on my neck....
All of a sudden potential blind-dates are calling me as well as men from the past, and my mind is thinking about my work, or lack of permanent work, and I sit exhausted typing about the current state of non-affairs. My perfect lover, who is not a friend and my perfect friend, who is not a lover...and all the ex-lovers and friends in between, suddenly back in my life or trying to enter my life. It’s not really in my hands. I am letting things happen, but I am not hiding my feelings. I am giving unconditionally, something I have not done in a very long time. I have finally gotten “over” my ex-boyfriend now that he has a new girlfriend and I can see that his basic personality and habits will never change.
I look into the eyes of my platonic friend and smile. I try not to imagine my lips touching his, my arms around him, after a friendly hug, being met by an extended hug - I’ve seen him half naked in a swimsuit and he, likewise has seen me in everything from an elegant suit to casual jeans to a bathing suit, with or without makeup...all his friends assure me that he isn’t gay, and he himself has denied being gay and has released names of past girlfriends...
Yet we are both going to bed with books and sleeping in our own beds alone. His pet adores him and reflects his good temper. My expensive house pet adores me and is pretty good natured himself.
No sex in the city tonight for this writer, whereas that may not be the case for two gourmet cooks whiling away the hours at saucepans and the bedsheets at one of two flats in Tel Aviv...
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Post 15: No Sex When There's a Nice Ex
originally created as Column Fifteen, November 2000
Lately I speak to a lot of divorced men who are on excellent terms with their ex-wives. I mean, it’s great to hear about this, and I’ve even see it, in all places at a synagogue, where an object of my affection, (a potential boyfriend who unfortunately does not seem to be interested in me) still sits next to his ex-wife, as well as next to their three gorgeous children. But it seems that one guy I met at a wedding last month spoke very highly of his joint custody relations with his ex wife and how well they get along. It turns out that she apparently dumped him suddenly and it was not he who ditched her. Having been “ditched” myself I find it hard to believe that the injured party can so easily bounce back and have “friendly” relations with the deserter. Not that my ex was not feeling hurt and vulnerable before his affair (or else why would it have happened if he felt good about his marriage) but I am getting a little suspicious about all these wonderful “ex” relationships. If they get along so well divorced, why are they not still together, or if they are in separate households, but now get along, isn’t there a risk that they could get back together? So it looks like there won’t be any sex for awhile with these model fathers and exes. The ones who avoid the subject or who actually admit not being on great terms are most likely to get along with me. Which is too bad, as I’m careful not to badmouth my ex around new friends, especially male friends, and yet maybe I am just more jealous of their relationships with their ex-wives than I am sad about the fact that they are not interested in me. Well, maybe I need to set up their ex-wives first before they can move on. But one of them already has an ex wife who is living with someone else, so how can you explain that? Maybe I simply need to meet the ex wife and get some pointers?
This writer is tired of being an ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, and will be happy to have a boyfriend again (or at least a third date) before she is ex-thirty something.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Post 2: Ex-boyfriends and cockroaches
originally created as column two, September, 2000
I was visiting an ex boyfriend late at night. I didn’t sleep with him, cause this is called “No Sex in the City” and I don’t want to go backwards. (Not that we didn’t want to have sex, but then I wouldn’t be able to write this)
I am looking for a lasting relationship, but I need a hug sometimes, and I won’t say that I didn’t hug him...Well, while we were talking and drinking peach and apricot juice, some flying cockroaches (Tel Aviv in August) decided to visit. Maybe it’s happy hour, I thought. One seemed to have extra long antennas – I thought maybe it was a messenger from the satellite company.... maybe that is the use of cockroaches – antennae.... perhaps they will replace mobile phones and transmit e-mails and phone messages between them. Imagine downloading your e-mail from a cockroach. Instead of a palm pilot, it will be a cockroach pilot.
He is an ex because his apartment is filthy and he was always late..but the mental connection will stay forever, even though he will always remain an ex. We sometimes sign our e-mails to each other “sexy exy”.
This writer has a few ex boyfriends and even more ex cockroaches.
originally created as column two, September, 2000
I was visiting an ex boyfriend late at night. I didn’t sleep with him, cause this is called “No Sex in the City” and I don’t want to go backwards. (Not that we didn’t want to have sex, but then I wouldn’t be able to write this)
I am looking for a lasting relationship, but I need a hug sometimes, and I won’t say that I didn’t hug him...Well, while we were talking and drinking peach and apricot juice, some flying cockroaches (Tel Aviv in August) decided to visit. Maybe it’s happy hour, I thought. One seemed to have extra long antennas – I thought maybe it was a messenger from the satellite company.... maybe that is the use of cockroaches – antennae.... perhaps they will replace mobile phones and transmit e-mails and phone messages between them. Imagine downloading your e-mail from a cockroach. Instead of a palm pilot, it will be a cockroach pilot.
He is an ex because his apartment is filthy and he was always late..but the mental connection will stay forever, even though he will always remain an ex. We sometimes sign our e-mails to each other “sexy exy”.
This writer has a few ex boyfriends and even more ex cockroaches.
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